I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That accounts for only three of the penises
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
