Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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