The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
