What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
