I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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