Hey man sorry I got all grabby
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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