Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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