I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
