I was born with a shot glass in my hand
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
