he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
