Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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