I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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