I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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