You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
