i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
