This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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