he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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