everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
