The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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