Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
