What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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