Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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