Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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