WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
