had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
