Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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