I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
