I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
