every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My ass is underappreciated
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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