I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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