Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
