I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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