Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
