would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
