i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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