I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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