I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
