we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize