she looked like the before picture.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
