I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
