We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
