I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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