Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
