just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
