I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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