I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
