Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
