Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
