either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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