guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
