i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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