What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
