The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
