wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
