Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
