im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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