so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
