Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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