he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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