There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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